Reviews, Television
Sep 17, 2013


The leaves are changing hue, the temperatures are falling, and a new batch of celebrities are avoiding the government cheese line by picking up their agent’s call saying, “You’re in the Game!” Dancing With The Stars is back for it’s 17th season. 17? Really? I blame you, America! Bruno has already made a Miley Cyrus and twerking reference, so my Costco run this week will include an extra bottle of tequila to help erase that memory. Let’s start the show.

Brant Daugherty, star of Pretty Little Liars, started the night with a cha cha. He is definitely the panty creamer of this season. His own partner even tried to score a date with him straight out the gate! He danced well, and you can definitely see the potential. You could also definitely see Bruno eye rape that poor young man during the critiques! 22

Leah Rimini knew once she left the mothership of Scientology, her career would become a blip on the radar. So, Dancing With The Stars is the road to relevancy in this day and age. I’ve always liked Leah because just like her King of Queenscharacter, she kept the slight scowl on her face as the judges critiqued her fox trot and got a solid 21. B#&ches better recognize!

If you sign your name on the dotted line with Sir Mickey Mouse, know that you are going to bust your ass to be a star! High School Musical Star Corbin Bleu was given contemporary as a first dance, which is one the most difficult genres to master. He showed all his competition what the Magic Castle training requires: blood, sweat, and tears! It wouldn’t have been fair to give him a perfect score on the first night, so he settled with a 24. He’s the one to watch.

Jack Osbourne officially tugged at my heart when he spoke about his diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. He delighted the crowd with his airy fox trot. The kid’s got moves! Sharon Osbourne couldn’t stop crying, and Ozzy couldn’t cry because of that botched up face lift someone who is obviously not his friend talked him into. 23

Being a drama major in school, I can tell you Theater kids will give leave it all on the stage. Amber Riley wanted to represent for the big girls, and that she did! I even yelled out a “You Go Girl” while she shimmied across the floor. A standing ovation was given when she garnered a well deserved 27 from the panel. Shake it but don’t break it Sista! She gets the “Rewind Performance” of the night with her cha cha cha.

Elizabeth Berkley Lauren aka Jessie Spano aka Nomi Malone aka Queen B got back to her roots and gave moves too sultry and sophisticated for the Stardust stage in the season opener. Her contemporary dance was as tender as a first kiss, but I was waiting for the pelvic thrusts! The judges gave so many Showgirls references during the critiques, that Mrs. Lauren shot them a look that read, “Really? ‘Cuz you don’t even Nomi!” I couldn’t resist. 24

Bill Nye made science enjoyable for my generation, so it made me happy to see him on the dance floor. He’s got the posture of Ed Grimley and the wit of Steve Martin. The judges were too harsh with a score of 14. C’mon guys! On the first night? I really hope fans rally for the Science Guy. There are so many bowties to be seen!

Well….not everybody can bring it to the dancefloor like Emmit “Twinkle Toes” Smith (Go COWBOYS!), so Keyshawn Johnson has a looooong way to go! His cha cha scored him a meager 17. This critic thinks it was fair. How he scored higher than Mr. Nye is beyond me.

Christina Milian is a beautiful girl with style and grace. She got a 22 for her contemporary routine, and you can see by her lines during her movement that she has a dance background. I really hope she doesn’t get lost in the shuffle and gets a chance this season to really show her skills. Nothing bad to say here…except that hair color. Girl, you are too fly for a boysenberry dye job! 5 G’s: Good God Girl Get A Grip!

Bill Engvall has a huge comedy base, so that helps. His dance was BO-RING! 18

Valerie Harper may have terminal cancer, but you couldn’t tell as she beamed that brilliant smile during her fox trot. Lots of tears were shed in the ballroom, but they were all happy tears. You go ahead and be the Mary, Romy. I’m just fine being the Rhoda. 21

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi has taken her 15 minutes of fame and extended it beyond what anyone would have comprehended. Let’s talk about the elephant in the room…her weight loss is astounding! She looks great! I just want to put her in my pocket! She’s too cute to be counted out in the first round. 23

These scores will roll over and be added to next week’s, which means nobody will go home tonight. Dancing With The Stars is back and airs every Monday on ABC. You can vote by phone, text message, facebook, homing pigeon, smoke signal, any way possible! Tuesday water cooler chat will never be the same.