Ask Our Guy, Underground
Feb 13, 2015


We’ve all done it. You know what I’m talking about. You got too comfortable with a potential conquest entirely too fast and ended up with the “buddy” label tattooed across your forehead.

No matter how hard you try, no matter how much verbal paint thinner you use, once you obtain that brand, you might as well consider yourself one of the girls… a plutonic friend. Your manhood has been reduced to that of a Ken doll. In her eyes you’re nothing more than a female confidant that happens to have extra equipment between the legs. Unfortunately for you, that extra luggage you’re carrying around won’t get to see her storage compartment.

No my friends, the only thing you can look forward to now is becoming her ambassador for all male kind. Every issue, every question, every concern will be shared with you. And in turn, you will have to offer her impartial knowledge about every scumbag she meets, all the while wishing that you could be those scumbags because they didn’t make the same socially fatal mistake you did. They weren’t careless enough to slip into the buddy booby trap.

With that being said, how do we protect ourselves from this social peril? Is there any way to avoid being gunned down by the standard issue vocal artillery we all know as the “lets just be friends” speech? Yes friends, there is hope. There is treatment for CCS (The Common Companion Syndrome).

The SignsFriend Zone

So, how do we avoid falling into the friend zone? There is no blueprint, no one correct system to help you navigate this labyrinth in front of you. However, there are many wrong paths to take during the journey. Those of you who find yourselves afflicted with CCS probably empathize with one another because of a single inability you need to overcome.

You simply ignore certain signs. It is imperative that you pay more attention to the situations you find yourself in. It is even more important that you realize when these situations are presenting you with the opportunities to show her that you’re more than just a safe guy to hang out with.

Understand something right here and now. Your trek, from your initial encounter with her until she ultimately places you into a category will not be on a linear path. Your goal is to make sure you end up in the stud category. There are all sorts of traps and obstacles that you’ll need to overcome. The fashion in which you choose to handle these barriers will be the decisive factor in whether or not she views you as someone she could be with, or just a male friend.

The first thing you need to do is to let go of your fragile male ego. You do not posses as much control as you think you do when it comes to attracting members of the opposite sex. You do not decide whether or not you want to be with the woman. She makes this critical decision. Believe me brother; she’s already evaluating you when you approach her. Every article of clothing, cologne, you name it, her eyes are already sweeping you.

If you’re lucky enough to pass her opening exam (most of us don’t even realize we’re being tested), and you’ve managed not to say anything stupid, the real mental obstacle course can begin.

**Before we go any further, I have to warn you… It is a scientifically proven fact that women do not think in the same manner we do. Men are extremely linear in the way we view things. Do not assume that some preconceived plan you have concocted will be enough to win your woman friend over. A2 + B2 don’t always equal C2, and you will not be successful playing relationship checkers with her. The quickest move isn’t always the best move. You have to be open and able to adapt to any variance that may present itself. You need to be Bobby Fischer. **

The First Date

Okay gentlemen, back to business. After passing your initial exam, the real fun begins. You have to figure out the combination to that vault that sits between her shoulders. Most of us follow a rather standard pattern for getting to know someone of the opposite sex.

Allow me to create the scene. You’ll probably converse with her a few times on the phone. Eventually she’ll be comfortable enough with you and agree to attend some pre-nocturnal excursion. Then, the two of you will sit awkwardly across from one another struggling to muster up a decent conversation out of thin air while waiting for your bowl of chicken alfredo and her order of veal parmesan.

Remember, those opportunities I mentioned? Here’s a prime one staring you directly in the eyes. You have roughly twenty to thirty minutes, with minimal interruption from the jovial waiter to find out significant information about your date.

Now you could a) initiate some cliché conversation by saying “how beautiful she looks” or some other Hallmark crap, or b) take this time to explore her gray matter. Here’s a hint buddy. If you want a woman to take you seriously, show that you have more respect for her by restraining from unloading the usual pound of superficial crap in her lap about her looks. She knows she looks good, and she knows that you know she looks good.

Now, I’m not saying to totally ignore the fact that she looks 450 degrees in that new outfit, or that her green eyes remind you of some exotic gem, but this shouldn’t be the majority of the subject matter for your part of the conversation. Sure, let her know you think she looks good, but it is crucial that you acknowledge her brain. This is so important. Let her know you view her as an entire person and not some pretty, polished object you want to shine and sit on a mantle (even if that is your plan). I would suggest you focus on a topic that will stir a mutual interest and allow her to showcase just how bright she is.

Whatever the topic is, you want to get her talking. I don’t mean one word answers. You really want to get her to express herself. Once a decent conversation is generated, don’t start slacking off. You need to remain an important part of the exchange. If the dialogue pertains to something she’s really interested in, by all means let her fuel the discussion. This will allow you to get your first glimpse at how she views the world. All you need to do is pay attention so you can make decent responses.

Don’t be afraid to disagree with her. Don’t try too hard to be funny. Be yourself. Women are very perceptive to fakers, and appreciate honest responses. If you see the topic is losing its steam, be spontaneous and jump to another issue. The trick here is to try to lose track of time. You want to try to create the illusion that the two of you are the only ones in the room.

She shouldn’t return to reality until the waiter gives you the check. Being a great conversationalist is of the utmost importance when you’re forced to be in a conventional setting with a date. It could mean the difference between seeing her again in a romantic setting, or using your shoulder to remove her excess eye water while you listen to her rant about another jerk that mistreated her.