documentary series, Television, What to Watch
Oct 9, 2023

‘Beckham’ Documentary Review

David Beckham is a singularity. A glitch in our matrix that we may never see again.

Our main takeaways from the Beckham documentary, first of all real romance is dead, it’s DEAD. It’s finished. It’s done, okay?! This man was obsessed with Victoria Adams (Posh Spice). Obsessed. David Beckham was ready to part the Red Sea for a glimpse of this woman. A sighting of her, if you will. Men used to court women, pursue women. The men of today? They buy you one drink and now they want to be bought a drink, men want to be wined and dined and have their egos stroked. It astonishes us how much we have lost in recipes for romance. His devotion to this woman was to the point where Victoria could call him up at 3am because she had a minute, because she knew he’d want to hear her voice even if, EVEN IF, he had a match the next day. And we’re not talking cell phones, this was his landline. Damn it all if everyone got a wake up along with him, he needed to hear her voice. It’s madness. That’s why she never let those cheating allegations get to her, or tear them apart. She knew what we didn’t, that those streets are cold.

Another thing that struck us is how much the relationships between football (soccer) clubs, managers, and players have changed. Back in the day, clubs were like the be all and end all for players. It was their home, their work, their church, their family, it was everything. Nowadays players have alot more freedom, they have families, other interests, and lives outside of the game. Do you think a manager could call up a player of their team today, a few days into their honeymoon, like “come back here, you’re needed at practice.” Are you dumb? That managers number would be blocked so fast he’d not even have a chance to blink. Picture it: players on a boat, enjoying with their new wife and the manager calls to interrupt. Nah.

Our final thought, is that David Beckham’s life is quite literally a Hollywood movie. This man won in every single department. First are his genetics. He was blessed with every gift the genetic hot tree was able to give a single human being. We can all agree he is immensely beautiful. He is just so handsome that he was able to pull off every hairstyle, cut, color whatever that he chose. Blond? Rocked it. No matter what he did to his hair, long, short, blond, brown, cainrows, dude he even pulled off skin head. What. That hardly looks right on anyone and he looked great. He even pulled off those 90’s eyebrow slits a complete tragedy of a trend for most of its victims, but not David. And then as if that wasn’t enough, he cultivated this incredible talent!

David Beckham’s dedication to practice and showing up and improving himself saw him become one of the greatest footballers of all time. And because that STILL wasn’t enough he married a Spice Girl!! A SPICE GIRL. A complete icon and legend of the early 00’s is his wife! This man cannot stop winning. And now it’s like we’re in a video game simulation and he’s just out here in the wilds doing side missions. Starts a team in Miami, makes it pink, signs Leo Messi. He’s like the real life Link from Legend of Zelda, just out here at home in his cabin cooking up meals with funny ingredients for fun.

Honestly, they just don’t make football stars like Becks anymore. Also, England, you all really needed to chill when he lost that game. No one person is a perfect shot all the time. We’re still kind of mad after realizing how awful they were to him and for how long. Shame on you. Apologize to the man.

Becks, you’re a legend.