Television
Oct 18, 2011

DANCERS GO BIG OR GO HOME

The 80’s was a decade that brought us big hair, big shoulders, big business, and the biggest import from Colombia since Juan Valdez!  Tonight was a time for the stars to go big or go home because we have reached the halfway point of the competition.  At this point, if you haven’t shown any significant signs of improvement, then fake an injury and bow out gracefully!

The judges and host Tom Bergeron thought it was funny to play a prank on Brooke Burke by telling her that the entire cast and crew were going to dress up in the spirit of the 80’s theme tonight.  Of course, she went straight to the nearest “Out the Closet” and picked out the sparkliest mini dress with the biggest shoulder pads she could find.  Right before showtime, Bruno leaned over and whispered, “Didn’t you get the memo, honey? We figured it would take away from the contestants.  Guess it’s too late to change, huh?”  Poor thing.  When will she ever learn?

The visiting band was The Bangles who performed their chart toppers after each break. Personally, I would have preferred George Michael, or Boy George, or any gay George from the 80’s but parole boards in England can be so finicky!  On to the Show….

Hope Solo:  Dude look like a Lady!  She let her partner lead in the tango and it paid off.  She’s still rough around the edges, but she showed more grace in a dance that requires sultry and seductive lines paired with sharp footwork.  It takes more than crossing ankles and balancing a book on your head to graduate from charm school, but she’s headed in the right direction.  Solid performance.

Carson Kressley:  We were treated to a high spirited jive from the hottest B*t#h in the game!  Yes, he fumbled his moves.  Yes, he lost his footwork.  Yes, it was not his best dance.  BUT he had fun!  He brings the crowd to their feet each and every week.  That butterfly flaps his wings and soars into my heart.  And the cheerleader outfit!  He gets points alone for being able to pull off fuchsia and turquoise simultaneously.  Not an easy task, my friends!  I love him.  End of discussion.

Nancy Grace:  I don’t know if it was the basket of curly fries they layed upon Nancy’s mane combined with the fact that I was hungry and it was past dinner time, but Mrs. Grace was actually watchable this week!  Her rumba wasn’t sexy, but it was precise.  And since I put sexy and Nancy Grace in the same sentence, my hunger pains have vanished.

J.R. Martinez:  They say you can tell the way a man is in bed by the way he moves on the dance floor.  J.R. delivered a samba that was so HOT, if we were on a date, I’d have one drink, ask for the check, and take him back to room 112!  He was rolling those hips and shaking that booty like a man on a mission!  Aye Papi!  I am glad I have a DVR because those moves were so nice, I had to watch it twice!  The top scores of the night went to Mr. Martinez (and I wouldn’t surprised if a few phone numbers slipped their way into his pockets!).

Rob Kardashian:  Then Rob danced a Rumba that made me think if we were on a date, I’d run to the bathroom, call my friend Tara and tell her to call me in 10 minutes and say you need a ride to the hospital so I can leave! He flung Cheryl around like a ragdoll.  Ok, he wasn’t THAT bad, but he didn’t exude sexiness.  It’s the rumba!  Your hands are supposed to flow on your partners’ body lines.  I’m rewinding it back to J.R.!

Chaz Bono: In the opening package, Chaz’s partner Lacy, enlisted the help of her father.  He is known as the ‘King of Swing’ and is a big man with alot of bounce!  He had some moves!  In 2032, when my career needs to be resurrected I hope he’s still got it because I want him as my partner on the show!  His advice payed off. Chaz Bono is winning me over.  Baby, it must be jelly ‘cuz jam don’t shake like that!  If you would have told me that I would turn on my TV and see a teletubby jiggle it (just a little bit), I would have told you not to pack your bong so tight!

David Arquette:  Here is a man who is working very, very hard.  His tango was not sexy, but it was precise.  Accurate placement of the hands and feet with proper holds gave him a 25, which is his highest score yet.  I do have to say, keep putting your daughter Coco in the audience.  She is as cute as can be.

Ricki Lake:  As soon as I saw that ill-fitting dress and that bottom basement Billy Ray Cyrus mullet wig they put on her, I knew we were about to feast our eyes on a hot mess!  Call me Miss Cleo because that is exactly what we got.  The dance known as the “roger rabbit” wasn’t as popular as the “running man” for a reason, not everyone can do it!  Ricki proved this not once but twice during her fox trot.  Yes, I said fox trot.  Where does the roger rabbit fit into a fox trot, you ask?  It doesn’t.  She played herself.  When she stuck to the proper routine of a traditional fox trot, it flowed.  Here’s a word of advice Rick (can I call you Rick):  You’re a good dancer. You don’t need gimmicks!

Tonight we name the lucky 7 who get to perform to Broadway numbers next week (CARSON better make it through for that!).  Will your favorite last another week?  Be sure to watch the results show tonight on ABC!