Television
Oct 4, 2011

DANCING GETS PERSONAL

I do believe ABC read my blog last because some things certainly were different this time around!  The dancing was better, the weaves were fresher, and Stepford wife Brooke Burke actually read from her index cards.  You can send your fan mail to my editor.  You’re welcome!  Now, on to the show….

Monday night’s Dancing With The Star’s consisted of dances that reflected memorable years and moments of the casts’ lives.  I’m going to start my review a little different this week.  All jokes aside, there were great stories and beautiful moments during the telecast.

The one that moved me to tears was J.R. Martinez’s rumba.  He shared with the audience his story of being in Iraq, and the day his vehicle went over an enemy mine and changed his life forever.  He gave us a very emotional back-story and dance.  It was beautiful and heartfelt.  There wasn’t a dry eye in the house (mine included).  Coming from a military family, it sincerely tugged at my soul.  The ice from my heart melted and I could feel a beat……And then the other dancers came along….I felt the frostbite settling in.

I will say there were vast improvements amongst the cast, which boasted the highest scores of the season.  Rob Kardashian gave a solid fox trot, but the cameraman seemed to get more shots of Kim in the audience than his dancing.  We get it, the girl gives good face (and cabeza!!!  hey oooooooo!!!!). Chynna Phillips danced a beautiful rumba with exquisite long lines.  BONUS!  I found a flaw.  You could land a 747 on that forehead!  No wonder the 90’s were all about bangs! Still, she’s beautiful and married a Baldwin, a hot one.  Advantage: Chynna.

Kristen “I suffer from lockjaw” Cavaleri did a samba that I felt was questionable.  I don’t know what the judges saw, but I had on glasses and saw something very different.  They gave her a score of 24.  She danced to Beyonce’s “Crazy In Love” and it looked stiff!  Honey, did you really try to bust out some moves from Beyonce’s video? REALLY?!  Someone should have rushed that stage with an oil can for those joints!  When the line “making a fool of me” was played, it was as if the words were interpreted before my eyes! SMH!

David Arquette danced a solid rumba for his ever so cute daughter in the audience.  I have nothing bad to say.  I just wasn’t expecting to see Deputy Dewey’s oiled down chest on my flat screen.  It wasn’t terrible.  I could still eat my dinner.  SIDENOTE:  I am always putting my two cents in on the contestants, but David’s partner Kym Johnson, gets a special shout out this week.  The girl can dance and she has the body of a goddess, but the face of a feline! WTF is going on girl, Meow!

Chaz Bono’s rumba on the other  hand…I don’t know how much longer I can keep rooting for him until I get an eyeful of CHER in the audience!  I also don’t know how many more times I can see him in a wife beater!  I have seen men who’ve made the transition to women and opted to go the vivacious, bombshell route.  End result, FAB!  Chaz has opted for the more realistic, Chicago Bears SNL sketch look.  To each his own, but honey work on the dancing.  Give me something to work with.  P.S., put Mom in the front row.  Guaranteed votes!

Nancy Full of Grace (see what I did there?), I don’t even know what her dance was because it lacked as much grace as her hair did moisture.  Do the stylist on the show not like her?  I think I heard her partner Tristan’s back crack twice during the spins and lifts.  The real star in the family is her daughter.  One week, the camera panned to her picking her nose.  This week she was wiggling out of her dad’s arms like she was over it. The dance was dedicated to her! HA!  That little girl is the best judge of the night.  I wanted to walk out on Mommy too little one.  She’s my idol.

Hope Solo is making me believe that she and Chaz Bono have something in common (or used to). Tranny get your gun because during her Basic Instinct wide-legged shake, I could have sworn her tuck came undone! Even Inaba made reference to the lack of femininity in her walk, though she did like the overall performance. It didn’t helped that she was dressed like a lady of the night… Sister needs to visit RuPaul’s Drag U! All teasing aside, she picked her team’s song in honor of their tough defeat in making it to the World Cup  and losing in the final game.

Ricki Lake did an outstanding job on her rumba!  She received the top score of the night. Girlfriend also wore a skirt so short, I could tell we visit the same waxer!  I have to hand it to her. She looks good.  Guys from my ‘hood would call her a “thoroughbred!’  Go Ricki! Go Ricki!

I have saved the best for last:  My personal favorite CARSON KRESSLEY!  He is the people’s champion.  I loved his opening package.  He shared pictures of himself growing up from a four-year old toting a pink handbag, to a chubby middle schooler, to an awkward duck in high school who eventually became the swan that birthed Queer Eye For the Straight Guy!  And then, he danced!  Carson gave us theater!  There were high kicks like a Radio City Rockette, hair flips of an original Charlie’s Angel, and in the words of drag superstar BeBe Zahara “FACE! FACE! FACE! He gave Face! Beauty Face!”  Bravo, Bravo!  The unicorn jumped over the rainbow!  Those judges gave him a 23!  Where’s the 10’s?  I want a recount! I call “Florida Foul” USA, USA!

There you have it.  Who’s given us the last figure 8 with their hips (yes, I’ve taken a few dance classes, BAM!)?  Watch tonight to find out.  Did I mention Mary J Blige and Adele are performing tonight? 2 divas on one night!  *Smooches*