Sep 27, 2011


Here we go…..Meta World Peace was the first casualty in the race for the mirror ball trophy, so we’ll never know the true talent of crazy!  Choice dances of week 2 were the jive and quickstep.  It should have been the heave and hot mess!  Tom Bergeron was witty enough to host the show solo this week, as is always the case.  Yet, the producers still keep Brooke “Beauty Bot” Burke around. She must have been running late from an audition for the remake of Dynasty.  Her look tonight was questionable.

This week, I am going to give you a quick synopsis of each contest.  Ready, set, go!

Hope Solo:   I hope she gets some rhythm!  Chick was all over the place.  She will probably get better, though.  The athletes always do.  All I could focus on were her killer abs!  Does she have a brother?!

Kristin Cavaleri:  Does every skinny blonde feel the need once in their life to channel Marilyn Monroe?  Let her rest in peace, please.  She was the most improved because clearly she has no other projects.  Is she supposed to be an actress now?  Next…

David Arquette:  He looked like the scarecrow lost his damn way and used the yellow brick road to make that dreadful suit!  He took a step back this week.  He was all smiles, but the musicality was not there.  Sorry, Alexis, don’t hate me!

Elisabetta Cannalis:  I googled this b#$&h and it told me to ask Jeeves!  The intro videos are always great for me.  I needed subtitles for the conversation between her trainer and her.  Those accents are thicker than cornbread! Solid quickstep (still don’t know who this chick is but apparently she dated Clooney, nuff said?)

Rob Kardashian:  The pants made him look like Kim in the booty!  Did the costume department do this on purpose?  He did well enough.  No matter how he dances, he’s still very “vanilla” to me.  Maybe he should take advice from his sisters and mix in some “chocolate.”  Hey, it worked for them!  Now they have their own shows!

Carson Kressley:  I want to be his best friend!  I really do!  I love a glittery gay, so even though he danced tonight like a wounded gazelle in the wild, I have nothing negative to say!  HE’S MY FAVORITE!

Ricki Lake:  When she started to dance, I reverted back to the late 90’s and wanted to yell, “Go Ricki! Go Ricki!”  Then, she tried to do a sexy jiggle and I was like, “No Ricki! No Ricki!”  The judges loved it.  Best score of the night.

-Side note- The Barbra Walters of Reality TV known as Brooke Burke asked Ricki how much weight she’s lost since starting the show.  Leave it to a skinny girl to knock a thick girl down!

Chaz Bono: The package showing the practice sessions gave us a glimpse of Chaz in a wife beater and basketball shorts.  How in the hell did he used to be a woman?!  That doctor must have been a consultant for the show Nip/Tuck because he is built Ford tough!  Still, no Cher (sigh).  But, the clever cameraman panned to three members of the ‘Great American Bear Society’.  All of West Hollywood and San Francisco got that last line.

Chyna Phillips: Going out on a limb and going to say she’ll be in the top three.  She’s a good dancer, beautiful, thin, and married a Baldwin!  Need I say more?

Nancy Grace: Makeup department decided to borrow the weave of Miss Piggy, but didn’t realize the striking resemblance it would give her.  Her dancing was just ok, but the judges were kind and kept her scores near the top.

J.R. Martinez: Three words:  BEST DANCE OF THE NIGHT!!!  Seriously, he can dance.  The judges were very critical on him and put him in 2nd place.  I don’t know who greased their palms because he was the only person that amazed the audience and got a standing ovation.  Based on pure talent, Nostradamus declares him the winner of the whole shebang!

There you have it.  The good, the bad, and the unwatchable!  Tune in tonight to see who gets the boot and needs a new agent!