Television
Feb 29, 2012

DWT…STARS YOU HAVE TO GOOGLE!

After hibernating for the winter, ABC has decided it was time to awaken the sleeping bear known as Dancing With the Stars. Google stocks soared because nobody knows who the hell is on half of this list! The producers must have sat down, opened their Trapper Keepers, and frantically scribbled names for each stereotypical, excuse me ‘something for everyone’, character needed for yet another season.

We’ve got the tween star (Roshan Fegan), athlete (Green Bay Packer Donald Driver), pop singer (Gavin DeGraw, owner of more hats than anyone in Google images), former child star and still relevant actor (Melissa Gilbert), and TV correspondent and fellow fembot/Arch nemesis to Brooke Burke (Maria Menuonos) just to name a few.

A name I wasn’t familiar with was Katherine Jenkins. Apparently, she is a famous mezzo soprano who has sang with the likes of Placido Domingo, but something tells me that’s not why she got the job….There are a set of lungs sitting atop her chest that could belt out “Ava Maria” in one breath! The men are going to want to see this future Playboy model (trust me) in those tiny spandex dresses for many weeks to come.

It wouldn’t be a season without a legend signed on, and enter Gladys Knight. Ms. Knight better bring the moves like she was one of the Pips because I would hate to have to throw shade at a woman with one of the greatest voices and owner of a delicious Chicken and Waffles restaurant in Atlanta!

Due to all the press they received with the casting of transgender activist Chaz Bono, DWTS wanted to take it up a notch by casting openly gay tennis legend Martina Navratilova. When I think ballroom, I don’t imagine Martina as the graceful gayelle that’s going to give a rumba that will bring me to my tears. If the first song they make her dance to is by Melissa Etheridge, K.D. Lang, or the Indigo Girls, then I will quit this bitch! When is someone going to wise up and give us who we really want….RuPaul!!!!

I don’t know who suggested Jaleel White’s name be pulled out of a fish bowl (his agent dressed like Tom Bergeron), but Urkel will be back in your living rooms! The only way he’ll get my votes is if he dances one week as Stefan Urquel and another as Myrtle Urkel! Yes, I was an adolescent of the ABC ‘TGIF’ genre. Jaleel White, primetime’s original Tyler Perry!

Here we have a male heartthrob for the younger ladies (Latino actor William Levy) and the older ladies (soap star Jack Wagner). One side of the room will be shaking their “bon-bons” while the other side will be popping their pelvis and hips out of place cheering for their generation’s panty creamers.

And last, but not least, this season’s recipient of the “I can already tell it’s going to be a hot mess” award, Sherri Shepherd. Sherri has been lobbying, better yet begging, to be on this show for YEARS!!! Going by the Mayan calendar and figuring that Sherri’s poor son’s hand was cramped from writing all the ‘fan’ mail, producers decided to give in. I’ve never wondered what a Tasmanian devil would look like in a dress, but all shall be revealed come March 19th.

The show hasn’t even started, but I’ve already got my ‘bitch please’ side-eye in position, locked, and loaded. Did you miss me?