May 7, 2012


I have no idea what the theme was this week.  I do know that Jaleel White was eliminated because of that new judges ‘save rule’ and Melissa Gilbert lives to dance another day.  I blame the Mayan calendar.  Anyways, this night was especially important because there is a double elimination and no more judges saves.
 The removal of my wisdom teeth have left me with holes in my mouth, pain in my head, and a chip on my shoulder.  I was all settled in and ready to throw some shade!
Donald led the night with a very different take on the tango.  It was fast paced, full of sharp movements and precise stances.  There was the usual hint of craziness behind his eyes, but it just helped him get into character.  My question is: How many soldiers are in Donald’s child army?  It seems to multiply each week!  His poor wife must wear Depends.  Those muscles cannot be tight! 27
Maria delivered a very sweet Viennese Waltz.  Each season, one of the celebrity contestants seems to blossom and finds they have an untapped resource within them known as dancing.  This is Maria’s season.  Now, if I could just get past the creepy love fest her fleshbeard Ken doll partner tries to convey in every dance, I could actually enjoy the routines.  Blah! 28
How does Maks seems to make every one of his partners cry each season?  Melissa is no exception to this rule.  However, there must be a lot of Hallmark Channel viewers watching Dancing With The Stars to keep her afloat because, in my opinion, she flubs so many steps within the routine.  I really don’t think she’ll make it to the semi-finals.
Sidenote:  Who is styling Brooke Burke?  Seriously, it’s like they put her look together and throw one ugly piece in for good measure as a joke.  (What the hell was that on her shoulder?)  If she questions it, they just tell her it was on a season of Sex And The City and hit the reboot button on the back of her neck.
If I was Katherine, the dance would have ended after my partner made me run down all those dumb stairs in the intro.  What did that have to do with a Viennese Waltz?  And the awkward spin almost broke her damn back!  Stick to intricate choreography and let your talent shine.  You’ve made it this far on pure dancing, not Cirque De Soleil!  26
Roshon’s foxtrot was undeniably cute and infectiously fun!  This was the first dance that was age appropriate for Roshon.  It made me smile, which hurts my face because I am avoiding wrinkles at all costs!  Did you catch his cute grandmothers in the audience?  I’m a sucker for cuteness. What’s this liquid coming from my eyes?!!!  I need a moment….29
There were no flips, tricks, lifts, or splits in William’s foxtrot.  Just smooth dancing and a dazzling smile.  I think Lynn has finally drank the Kool-Aid because all three judges went bananas after his performance for a perfect 30 out of 30 score.
All the couples were assigned a dance trio to perform.  The stand out amongst them all was Donald’s jive.  He was en fuego (on fire, for my non Spanish speakers)!  Perfect timing with every step, and when he jumped over BOTH his partner’s simultaneously, I yelled “WOAH!”  The judges scored him a 28, which everyone can agree should have been a 30!  Nobody else could have done what he did.
Two contestants go home tonight.  After that, we’ll have a mere two more weeks together.  Parting will be such sweet sorrow, so let’s enjoy the time we have and drink ’til we throw up!  I kid! (not really)