Oct 11, 2011


It’s week four of Dancing With The Stars with nine couples remaining, which means it’s whittling down from a circus show to an actual talent competition.  The theme was famous movie scores. This brought in a larger orchestra, flashier costumes, debilitating props, and horrible acting!  For some reason, I was feeling a bit softer around the edges this time around, so I want give everyone a fair shot (note to my editor who always tells me to tone it down). Luckily, head judge Len Goodman provided enough “See You Next Tuesday” jabs to keep everyone entertained.  Call him butter because he was on a roll!

Chyna Phillips:  I don’t want to critique her because she simply forgot her steps.  I genuinely felt terrible for her.  All I will say is she looked long, lean, and lovely.  She deserved a mulligan for this round.

David Arquette:  He may be wacky, but he is working hard and it shows.  A solid Paso Doble. Was that Patricia and Rosanna in the audience?  Oh please bring Alexis next week!  Back to David, nice work.

Brooke Burke was wearing a visible earpiece this week and it actually transmitted the right information between those ears!  She was not nearly as annoying!  Bravo to the genius who told her to just repeat the voices she heard in her head during the show that didn’t sound like her own.

CHER SIGHTING!!!  It was quick, but still a total eyegasm!  Something was different about Cher…..we’ll get to that later….

Carson “can’t do no wrong in my book” Kressley:  I really want him to be my BFF!  Yes, I am obsessed with the image of what Ellen DeGeneres could only dream of one day looking like, but his preperformance packages exemplify his personality.  This Pegasus with the golden mane is perfection on a pink platter!  So, I am FURIOUS that he got the lowest scores of the night for his Viennese Waltz!  Really?  Lower than Chyna?  Homegirl forgot her entire routine! Don’t get me started how those props almost sabotaged the entire performance.  There is a “Tonya Harding” on that show that is out to get my boo, and if I ever see him fall, I will bust through that sound stage and carry my Goldilocks off that stage Kevin Costner style while singing “I Will Always Love You” acapella.  You can set your tivos for that!

Nancy Grace:  Let me start by saying that they finally placed a weave on that pile of straw that I can cosign on.  That was a compliment.  I saw the effort put into her Paso, but it was still stiff.  If she wanted to wow the crowd, she should have danced to her hit song from “The Little Mermaid” soundtrack.  I know all the words to “Poor, Unfortunate Souls” as do many people who enjoyed rendition of the sea witch.  You slept on that one, Nancy.

Hope Solo: She danced a fox trot to the Toy Story theme as Woody’s girlfriend (show me the receipts!).  It was solid, but she really has to add some razzle dazzle if she expects to make it to the finish line.  Every week, she shows consistent improvement in her form, steps, and technique but it’s still falling flat.  Carson, my lambchop, please give her Ru’s number…stat!

Ricki Lake:  A mind blowing tango to a difficult score!  Their music was the theme from Psycho and she nailed it!  Ricki was gliding across the floor and hitting every mark.  This raised the paddles (and the bar) for the season’s first 10’s and Ms. Lake got TWO of them!  Best performance of the night.

I just realized I skipped right over Rob Kardashian.  Perhaps it’s because he is, how do I put this delicately, boring.  I’m sorry but he is.  Look, he is giving 100% in rehearsals, but whenever they do his introductory package, it is such a Debbie Downer!  Stop calling yourself a loser!  I almost flipped the channel over to your sister’s televised wedding (but then I remembered I was recording it).  Don’t act like you didn’t want to see what all the fuss was about over her 3 gowns….glass houses!  Moving right along.

Chaz Bono:  Note to self:  Time to petition for a Richard Simmons reality show.  Enlisting his help in the gym all while wearing a Tina Turner “Rolling On a River” knock off gold mini found at a West Hollywood garage sale is a spin off just sitting on Ryan Seacrest’s lap!  Make this happen!  On to Chaz; that teddy graham was moving and shaking like a weeble wobble that refused to fall down!  He gave his best dance by far with the Paso Doble, and even ran up the stairs for dramatic flair.  Everyone gave him a standing ovation because they weren’t sure if it was his last dance, literally!  Poor thing was breathing like it was “Lamaze with the Stars.”  Gold medal!

Alas, the camera panned to Mother Earth reincarnate…CHER!!!!  At first I thought they mistakenly put the camera on the lead singer of 4 Non Blonds when I saw those dreads.  There was more filler in her cheeks than a McD’s chicken nugget, and that sweater screamed “My family went to Sante Fe, New Mexico and all they brought me back was this lousy parka,” but it was still Cher!   The eyes said it all!  I can only hope that when I turn 90, I too can have the face of a 40-year old, the hooha of a 30-year old, and a boyfriend in his 20’s!  Then, and only then, will I know what it is like be an undying diva that needs one name….CHER!

J.R. Martinez:  I’m going to start calling him “the closer” because that’s exactly what he does and does it right!  The producers are smart to put him last.  He is their big ticket item.  He’s truly talented and very gifted.  His fox trot was one word:  Outstanding!  Ricki is giving him a run for his money, but I still pick him as the winner, even this early on in the competition.

The votes are in, and in just a few hours, somebody else will step out of the limelight while eight others move closer to that mirror ball trophy.  Tune in tonight to see if your favorite makes it through.