Television
Apr 30, 2012

DWTS GETS CLASSY

The theme for the evening was Classical night, so I put on my snuggly pajamas and gave the vicodin the night off because I was sure the next two hours would put me to sleep! We’re down to seven contestants, so to keep the two hours nice and full, team dances are now a part of the program…great….

Katherine was the lead off with a Rumba choreographed to Canon in D by Pachabel Bach. I didn’t even need to google that information because I actually performed that piece with my choir in high school. Writer, singer, actress, b#$%h…that’s right! I’m a jack of all trades and a master of none. Google me! Back to Katherine. She was graceful, elegant, and BORING! Never the less, “No T, No Shade!” She’s beautiful and nearly flawless in her routines. 27

Melissa (Argentine Tango): *Sigh* Where shall I start? The good: There was alot of choreography and tricks in the routine which would have been challenging at any performer’s level. With that being said, is Maks trying to kill this season’s GILF? Ben Gay will be out of stock at the Sunset Boulevard Rite Aid. Melissa’s peg legs stiffened up halfway through her routine. It was a high flying mess! Shame on the costume department for making for the bottom of Ms. Gilbert’s undersuit to look like a pair of “time of the month” panties. 21

Looks can get you only so far in life, but when 2 of the 3 judges wanna dine on your man chowder, you’ll never get a low score. Initially, William’s Viennese waltz reminded me of when the 4-year old ring bearer gets to let loose on the dance floor at the reception, but I hit rewind to watch it again to get give it a fair shot. The dance was sweet with a soft texture. Actually, I just paused it on a freeze frame of Mr. Levy. My favorite part was the very end when the camera panned to William’s baby mama who brought TWO of his spawn to sit front row! Chica is smart. She reads the blogs and twitter. She is letting the world know: I GOT THIS! 27

In my opinion, Roshon’s Argentine Tango is his best dance of the season thus far. There were no jerky moves or Michael Jackson poses, for once. Just technical dancing. I feel like he was underscored. 25

Donald is flying under the radar in this competition. His lines are always clean and his technique is precise. But I swear, one of these days he’s going to accidentally toss that poor blonde into the balcony! He needs to get tested before September rolls around. The gridiron better be ready! Viennese Waltz: 27

Before I get to Maria’s Paso Doble, I need to get this off my chest. I poke fun at everyone but I have to say, watching the opening package tugged at my spleen (my heart left a long time ago). Derrick eluded some comments towards Maria like “be a female and attractive.” She seems to be one of those girls that can hang with the boys, watch a ball game, and just be cool. Because of that, guys tend to forget she’s a girl. I’m speaking from a familiar place. Maria is a beautiful woman who doesn’t fish for compliments but should still be treated like a lady. Now that I’ve climbed off my soapbox, back to her dancing. The routine was phenomenal! It was theatrical and painted a vivid tale for the audience. The best of the night and the first perfect score of the season!

Everyone who had to perform the Viennese Waltz was boring! Jaleel was no exception. I don’t see how anybody can make this dance exciting. He gave a solid performance, though. The judges gave him a 24, but it should have been higher. I thought a 27 was in order.

Team Tango vs. Team Paso Doble: I was all ready to write a review, but I completely forgot what happened prior to a shirtless, sweaty, wide back having, chiseled ab flexing William Levy graced my big screen! A body like BAM! and a face like BOOM! Somebody pour me a glass of wine! If any husbands got spontaneous sex on a school night, address your thank you letters to that man right there!

Something tells me Melissa might be heading back to the prairie tonight. We’ll just have to see. If just can’t wait until Tuesday, get your daily dose of Vitamin B(!%@h) by following me on Twitter @DemiJanell.