Television
Apr 2, 2012

DWTS GETS PERSONAL

It seems that every season,┬áDancing With the Stars┬áplans their “memorable performance” night around my time of the month, just to evoke some type of heartfelt emotions from me. We may be cycle sisters, but little does ABC know that without Reese’s peanut butter cups couch side, my b%#$h switch can flip…QUICK! Luckily, I stopped at Target on the way home, so a few of my comments may come off a bit nicer (don’t get used to it).

Jack Wagner kicked off the show dancing to one of his personal band’s songs and dedicating his number to the first meeting of his daughter a year ago. By his crotch thrusting moves, I could see why the mother kept it a secret until her daughter was an adult! The judges scored him a generous 24, which let me know early on this was going to be a very forgiving night in the scoring department.

Maria danced a very sensuous and graceful Rumba to a slowed down version of Madonna’s “Material Girl.” Excuse me, has Maria had that booty all this time?! Homegirl got a BOD-Y!!! A well deserved 27.

Ms. Gladys Knight is so refined and elegant on the dancefloor. A classy foxtrot from a classy lady. She gets a pass from me for that recycled wig on her head because I know that was the costume department’s foolery (lazy bastards)! She has earned the title of Empress of the season. And please show me another 69-year old whose natural face has that few wrinkles! Black don’t crack, honey….

Roshon’s samba (sigh)…I am a Michael Jackson fan, too, but he did not have to try and put EVERY MJ move in his routine! This young man has way too much energy. He needs a magazine, a sock, and a locked door for about 5 minutes so he can ‘release’ some of that pent up energy before he hurts himself!

Gavin’s opening package revealed why he keeps that hat on and let us know that his predatory, Grinch-like grin is hereditary as he dedicated his rumba to his father. There was major improvement in his dancing this week, and he is beginning to take the competition seriously, but is it too late?

On a serious note, Katherine’s waltz was the only performance that brought a tear to my eye. Here is a woman who is beautiful both inside and out. She has actual talent, there is no bad press about her, and still remains humble in all of her success. She received the first 10s of the season to garner a score of 29. Absolutely no shade from me on this one.

At this point in the night, every contestant is crying after their dance before the scores are revealed. Brooke is standing there with a twinkle in her eye asking the same question, “How did that dance make you feel?” convincing herself that her journalism is evoking tears. You are not the White Oprah, so sit your ass down!

Sherri was trying to channel her inner actress and bring the emotions with her Rumba, but all I could read was a look of constipation across her face like it was a final callback for a Dulcolax commercial. There were no tricks or daring moves to her dance because the IcyHot patch never quite kicked in on her partner’s back.

Mellisa Gilbert revealed a back injury from a year ago that explains ALOT to the viewers because she always seems a bit stiff (no pun intended). She does give a good performance and exhibits hard work in the practices. She also showed the world what a kickass body she has, too! And who knew she had those hidden tattoos? I see Vivid vapidly researching Craigslists ‘talent’ section to find a fiery redhead for a Little House on the Prarie parody in 3, 2, …

Trying to breakout of the shadow of a childhood sitcom character must be a tough feat, but Jaleel is doing a solid job of this by coming on the show. I’ve never thought of Urkel as sexy (I never will), but when you can slow groove a Rumba to a Babyface track, a sense of debonair exudes from a man. The judges gave him a 25, which I think was low for his performance, but they are tough on him because he is a good dancer and they want him to show it to the audience.

I’m going to jump to Donald because my comments on him are short and sweet. A genuine Rumba in memoriam of a dear friend.

Now, there’s William’s salsa….Lord. Have. Mercy. His shirt flew open and so did half the legs in West Hollywood! Usually I live by the motto: “Don’t believe the hype” since all I knew was the reputation of the myth that is William before this show. Well, I have bought a one way ticket on the Cuban express because this man is FINE! His hips moved with so much fluidity that Maury is going to get a flood of calls saying William IS the father because he can impregnate you with just one bodyroll! If I can get front row to one of the shows this season, I will sharpie on some eyebrows and be in the moshpit with the rest of the extras from “Mi Vida Loca” that wait outside for just one glance from this Adonnis. He gives me fever!

There was a five way tie for the bottom with the lowest score being 24, so it’s anybody’s guess who goes home. I think Jack and Gavin will be in the bottom 2, only because there were alot of good performances.