Nov 1, 2011


Every week, the contestant who we would most like to see in the upcoming theme gets voted off too quickly.  We’ll never know if Chaz would have dressed as a lovable gummy bear, or pulled the ultimate Victor/Victoria on the one night a year that anything goes!

The Halloween edition of Dancing With the Stars turned out to be scarier than the latest Paranormal Activity installment.  The audience was treated to more tricks than treats, but alas, the entire night wasn’t as ghoulish as it could have been.  Let’s start the show…

David Arquette: David is really getting me excited for the holidays.  He reminds me of that likable, wacky Uncle that you can’t wait to see at Thanksgiving.  You’re not sure what his next move will be, but you know he brings the fun everytime!  He is the most improved dancer on the show.  His Cha Cha was entertaining with just a few minor missteps.  Throughout the entire night, David kept popping up on screen in the background, acting zany.  His personality alone will keep him for another week.  Just hide the sharp objects, for his own sake, please.

Oh, look, Brooke Burke decided to dress up.  Let me guess, Slutty Tron Girl…..Nailed It!

J.R. Martinez: The producers certainly threw a trick his way giving him “Ghostbusters” to dance the Tango to.  Really?!  Since when has anybody been able to bust any type of move to Ghostbusters?  J.R. made it work to the best of his abilities.  Although he was precise, the routine was boring.  It hurts me to even write a remotely negative comment towards such a skilled performer.  This just lets me know the conspirator who took my Carson out of the competition is out to get my second favorite on the show!  I’m about to Nancy Drew this case wide open!  And just like that, I found the answer within my own question (NANCY).

Nancy Grace: Disney’s Halloween Haunt just wasn’t the same without it’s number one attraction on the biggest night of the promotion, but Nancy had to call in sick.  She really shouldn’t have because her jive answered the age old question, “Whatever happened to the bee girl from the Blind Melon video?”  Her partner Tristan tried to overcompensate with his outstanding dance moves, but no matter how many leaps and spins he performed, Nancy’s flat feet couldn’t pull off the dance.  And, yes, today’s weave was brought to you by a last minute run to the closest Spirit Halloween store.  Somebody get this woman a Sally’s Beauty gift card for Christmas!

Rob Kardashian: Since Kim won’t be tweeting to get Rob votes for his performance in lieu of her wanting privacy after the announcement of her divorce (shocker of the millennium), Rob had to work extra hard.  He did surprisingly well.  His tango had intricate steps and quick timing. Dare I say, best dance of the night thus far?

Ricki Lake: Rob got a total of five minutes in the spotlight before it was taken away from him (story of his life).  Ricki came in and SHUT. IT. DOWN.  Her Paso Doble was easily going to take the top spot!  She looked sexy and moved sultry.  At this rate, when she gets to the finals, her freestyle will be the most anticipated.  Mark my words.

Hope Solo: This week the judges were playing nice because of the tumultuous fiasco last week between them and her partner Maksim.  I think Hope performed well.  My problem with this performance was her partner, Maks.  He was dragging her around angrily.  He didn’t want to be late to the Santa Monica parade.  Slow down, buddy!  At least 200 Lady Gaga impersonators will still be there when the show is over!  Although, I too have a bumper sticker that reads, “Will brake for Drag Queens.”

To drag the show out even further, the pairs were split into two teams:  Team Tango and Team Paso.  I’ll sum it up quickly for you because I’m tired.

Team Tango:  Boring.  Team Paso:  Theatrical.  Winner:  Team Paso!

Drop off that rent check and get home in time to see who can book that Holiday ticket!  Live Long and Prosper friends.