The competitive dance competition without any rhyme or reason is back to monopolize the Nielsen ratings. I braced myself for whatever the idiot box had in store for me for the next two hours of my life I could never get back. Surprisingly, there were some real players that came to center stage on the first night!
At this point, I feel as though I have enough prestige to only deliver first names, so let’s go with that (pinky up, b#$ches). I’m also too lazy to write out the last names. I’m just doing my part to keep Google relevant. Let”s begin, shall we?
Maria: That laugh is annoying! I know in her mind, she thinks it’s as cute as the hyenas in the Lion King, but “No No, NuNu!” Just stop! It’s her first dance and she gave a good solid effort in the chacha. She gets an extra point from me for the quick “WTF glance” she gave Brooke Burke’s David’s Bridal prom dress circa 1997 she had on. I was thinking the same thing Maria…dreadful!
Jack: I’m going to blame the makeup department for the “late in life lesbian marionette” nonsense they did to his face! Another good start with an impressive score of 23 straight out the gate.
Donald: If Grace Jones and Tyrese had a love child, it would be this man! This is where the show really started. He was dancing like it was the semifinals! As hard as he was thrusting, I could see why he has all those damn kids. It doesn’t help that his partner might be the hottest professional dancer in the cast. Sidenote: I would not be surprised if this Christmas a long, lean mocha latte munchkin tango’s its way down a birth canal (I’m just saying….).
Gavin: What a surprise….he wore a hat! (Insert sarcasm) His fox trot wasn’t anything spectacular. It was quite vanilla, but then he opened his mouth. He’s got a dirty mind with a dirty mouth to boot. Me likey!
Roshon: The producers decided to give both Roshon and Donald the chacha. If Donald’s hips were making babies, Roshon’s hips were making masturbatory gyrations. The kid is very high energy, and he does have a tremendous amount of potential with his hip hop dance background, but this just wasn’t as polished as it could be. I do see him getting better.
Sherri: As soon as the announcer said her name, I had to tape my eyelids open so I could watch without judgement instead of a permanent “roll” trying to begin its decent. I almost ran for cover when the opening package showed Sherri without makeup! That should have come with a warning! Once the intro was over, there she stood in her new dancing wig and rayon gown with every bedazzled jewel on sale at JoAnn’s fabric glued to cover up those honeybaked hams up top. The dancing was decent! But it was Jeffrey, her son, that stole the show for me. The camera panned to this poor lad, and I clearly read his mind: “I only thought I’d have to help her get on the show. I didn’t think I’d actually have to SIT through this!!! ….What have I done?”
Melissa: One of my mom’s favorite shows was Little House on the Prairie, so I pleaded with the dance Gods that Melissa wouldn’t fudge it up. She had the most challenging routine thus far in the show, and performed well. I will say this, T.G.F.S.T (Thank God For Spray Tan)!
William: The show needed a hose and a mop when the “Latin Brad Pitt” hit the stage. I could not stop laughing as the room erupted with hungry cholitas, gays, and everything in between starting to lose their shit! I thought I was watching Oprah’s “Favorite Things” episode. Yeah, I don’t remember his dance. I just remember the man. SHWING!!! Lady Boner alert!
Martina: To follow a handsome man, bring on another handsome man. Enter Martina! Wait a minute, she cleans up nice! She actually looked, the word I’m looking for is…soft! I believe she danced a nice fox trot and was underscored at 20.
Katherine: Nobody saw her coming. A lovely lady who performed a lovely dance. With that, she received the first 9’s of the season.
Gladys: For a legend, I will use a last name. Ms. Knight was sassy, classy and knew how to shake that assy! I was ecstatic that she did SO WELL! She had rhythm, timing, and could move. My own grandmother called me immediately after Ms. Knight’s performance. I guess 60 is the new 40, but I really don’t want to see (anymore than I do already) a bunch of wrinkles in mini skirts in LA. There can only be one Angelyne (Google her if you don’t know this majestic beauty)!
Jaleel: I knew he was going to do well because of his dancing in the movie “Dreamgirls” but not many people remember his role. His lines were graceful and the moves were elegant. Jaleel received the second batch of 9’s of the night and shares the top spot with Katherine.
All the contestants are safe and get to dance again next Monday, not because ABC wants to make it fair, but because they want to stretch out their top prostitute’s labia for as many tricks it can turn. Make that money, Mickey Mouse! Early prediction? Swami says: Jaleel for the win! Ahhhhh, it’s so good to be home!