Apr 17, 2012


Nobody cried harder than Brooke Burke last week when Sherri Shepard was eliminated from DWTS because her on set tutor, Jeffrey, had to pack up all his mama’s dancing wigs and hop on a train back to the Big Apple. Alas, the show must go on! We’re at the halfway point of the competition, so the slow drip from my Margarita I.V. is finally giving me a buzz. Last night was Latin night!

This meant that all William Levy had to do was come out in a thong, flex a butt muscle, and Bruno would burst into a bag of confetti all over the stage.

Jaleel was up first with a samba. His dance had some great moments but somehow he has lost the showstopping charisma we saw in week one. What happened? He still garnered a solid 24, which is low compared to where hestarted. Hopefully he can get his mojo back.

I’ll give Melissa an “A” for effort in the salsa. Her practices show that she works very hard. When the spotlight comes on, it’s another story. While her legs were keeping up with her partner, her upper half looked like she was doing the robot and her face appeared as though the Metamucil decided it was time to kick in! 21 for Laura Engalls.

Maria is pulling out all the “let’s give ’em something to talk about” tricks to get the votes! She can dance very well. Honey, kissing an adult “My Buddy” doll complete with fleshtone facial hair is unnecessary! Even with all the injuries, Maria is heading to the top of the leader board because her hard work is paying off. The gross P.D.A. can be left on the cutting room floor. 27

Can somebody do an extensive background check on Katherine’s resume, please? You can’t tell me she has never had dance training before! Rarely am I so kind in my critiques, but she might possibly be the BEST overall cast member this season. I saw so many different offers for this beauty once the show wraps. She was just one point shy of a perfect score for her Argentine tango.

It really is unfair to follow the best dance with (I won’t sugar coat it) the worst. Gavin took the stage to perform a samba…Do you remember when Bambi tried to take his first steps? Imagine that scene, but Bambi is wearing Pee Wee Herman’s white shoes from the “Tequila” bar top dance scene and it lasts for about two and a half awkward minutes. The maniacal laugh during the judges comments proved what I’ve been thinking for some time now: this fool is cray cray! He”ll be back to selling out high school gymnasiums before prom season begins.

The number one google search was “how to re-upholster a couch” Monday night after William Levy caused the levies to break through every vagina sitting at home once he hit the stage. LAWD HAVE MERCY! People who know me can tell you a man with a strong back will get a double take from me. What I saw glistening through that unbuttoned tuxedo shirt gave me the vapors! There was some very good dancing involved but I drifted off into my own dream sequence halfway through after I superimposed my face over his Fievel Goes West partner’s looking face. His Argentine Tango quickly turned into a horizontal Mambo! 29

Halfway through her Samba, the legendary Gladys Knight’s shell tone support hose must have cut off the circulation in her cankles preventing her from kicking her legs high off the ground. What Ms. Knight does is sell the audience with her sass which keeps her afloat in this competition. 22

Roshon’s salsa was the most high energy performance of the entire evening. So he has the body of Gumby, which doesn’t exude sexiness, but I personally liked his dancing. 26

There was a reason that Donald closed out the show with his Argentine Tango. The producer’s were giving viewers enough time to put the kids to bed before ABC turned into Skinemax! Donald and Peta have the most complimentary, sleekest silhouettes of any pair on the show. His child army were front row to experience why Mommy is always smiling at the breakfast table. His strength makes every lift look powerful and effortless. The choreography was sultry and smooth. I need a

Tonight brings a new twist in the show where the bottom 2 couples have a “dancing duel” for a chance to be saved from elimination. How original *cough (American Idol) cough*

See you next week!