Reviews, Television
Oct 16, 2012


dwts paulaPhoto Credit: ABC/Getty Images

The producers want to turn this game of checkers into chess, so they let each team choose a competitor’s dance style as a strategic move to make or break them. It was more like parCHEESEy! The All-Stars gave dramatic gasps when they received their fates, like the casting director for Dynasty was watching. The main motivation for me to watch was the “one night only” addition of judge Paula Abdul. You’re not sure if she on uppers or downers, but you do know that makes good TV.

First up was Kirstie, who was handed the Charleston. Say what you want about Kirstie Alley, but she is not afraid to poke fun at herself. She will laugh with you before letting you laugh at her. Granted half the routine was character acting, but the other half which was actual dancing was quite good. Her best performance to date. 30

*Since there were four judges on panel, the highest possible score was a 40, just in case you were a Literature major.*

Bristol was given rock and roll. Her partner, Mark, kept the moves very basic (1,2,3, and 4). Does Sarah Palin have a job? She is in the audience every week! How is Wasilla holding itself together? Everyone must be going rogue without her….I’ll be here all week! 32

Sabrina delivered a stellar disco routine to wake the crowd up. This girl can dance. Period. There were so many fast paced step, with dangerous tricks, and jaw dropping moves involved. Besides Shawn Johnson, let’s see another female all-star deliver at this level of difficulty! She was once again underscored, in my opinion. 35.5

Emmit was given Bolero, which is a Latin style most people aren’t familiar with. Well honey, he channeled his inner Shakira because his hips didn’t lie! Finally, all the judges were on the same page and gave the man his props. There ain’t nothing like a big, country man that can move like Jagger! Sidenote: His wife is absolutely GORGEOUS! 36

One of the most difficult dance styles to master is Bollywood. Your fingers move just as fast as your feet, with every gesture delivering a message. Gilles took the challenge and entertained us. He looked like Aladdin grew up and decided to pursue porn! He even stole a kiss from his partner at the end in celebration of receiving the first 10’s of the season. 39.5

Melissa realized that Shawn wasn’t just here to nibble silently on acorns in the corner, so she needed to throw some tricks in her routine. What she failed to realize is that she doesn’t need to throw every trick in every routine! Was she promised solid gold bars in her contract if she made it to the end? Calm down, Honey Boo Boo! 34.5

And right on cue, Shawn Johnson came out to show these amateurs how it’s done. This tiny lady packs a mighty punch. She could have a new career if she wanted. The absolute best of the night! She tops herself every week. I’m not surprised. She is a fellow Johnson 🙂 She should have gotten a perfect score. 39.5

Apolo’s hip hop routine (sigh)….that sh#t was corny! I’m not saying that because Karina fell on her face. I felt bad for her when that happened. The choreography was whack! Didn’t she call a professional in to help? Obviously, neither Vanilla Ice nor Rico Suave was available, so they decided to wing it. The judges felt sympathetic with the slip up, so they were generous with the scores. 34.5

Kelly closed the show with a contemporary routine. First off, her body. Hot diggity damn! What is her secret (Please don’t say she never eats brownies! I’m doomed!). Contemporary dancing tells a story through intricate movement. Marvelous imagery. The women are really stepping up their game. 37.5

Next week, CARSON will be on hand. They really know how to pull me in!