Reviews, Television, What to Watch
Mar 19, 2013


It’s the inaugural night of ABC’s Dancing with the Stars, so I put on my designer pajamas (t-shirt without holes!) to get fancy for the occasion! A new season brings new changes in the show. Contemporary has now been added as a style of dance, Maks the resident ballroom bad boy is noticeably missing from the line up, and each contestant’s personal twitter handler is placed on screen before their dance so you can verbally assault them almost as directly as knocking on their front door.

Socially media gives everyone the chance to give the middle finger and stroke each other’s egos simultaneously. America is given the opportunity to decide whether the stars are deemed worthy of the most coveted Faberge egg in Hollywood by two weeks of performances before elimination. One of these seasons I won’t have to use a search engine to find out who fifty percent of the cast is. Wishful thinking….

Kellie Pickler kicked off the show with a cha cha. She is teamed with Derek Hough, who coincidentally has the exact same haircut and color as her. It was as if a lesbian dating site matched these two scissor sisters. She has alot of potential to get far. I have a feeling the costume department will be giving her dental floss and a handkerchief in the weeks to come because her body is smoking hot! 21

Victor Ortiz came in with boyish good looks and a heart wrenching back story, but his dancing was lukewarm. Boxers are supposed to be light on their feet! He wasn’t terrible, though. Next week he dances the jive. I expect a wow factor to awaken. 18

Ingo Rademacher was a name that my soap watching friends had to text me about. I just think popcorn when I read that name because I’m greedy. He was the first to get handed contemporary and handled it well. This is a tough genre to master. The movements are executed between beats and off the exact count. There is a significant reliance on lifts, so the male partner must be strong. It’s a good thing Ingo is very athletic in his extracurricular life. And by extracurricular, I mean sports not what my “medicinal” friends are thinking. 20

The moment my bevy of gays had been waiting for followed. Lisa Vanderpump made her debut. And yes, she brought Giggy onto the dance floor in a damn tuxedo. The look on his face read exactly what we all were thinking. She kept trying to act prudish about loosening her hips. You may have the accent of a queen, but don’t act like you’ve never had the moves of a hooker! You’re a hot ass cougar! Shake what your mama gave you! Or what the duchess gave you, I don’t know. 18

Funny man D.L. Hughley had everyone anticipating his cha cha. What an underwhelming performance. FLATLINE! My brotha, you are stiff! I’m talking tin man. He better call fellow Kings of Comedy Cedric the Entertainer because I’ve seen him “pop and lock” and he’s got moves. 12

The youngest performer ever on the show is Disney star Zendaya. She’s undeniably cute and the clear front runner. She smashed her contemporary performance, and it’s only round one. Nobody puts baby in a corner! 24

Sean Lowe is fresh off the season finale of The Bachelor and trying to stretch his fifteen minutes of fame. He’s gotta pay for that wedding somehow, and by the look of his first dance, he needs to put those DWTS checks in a saving account…stat! There is plenty of work ahead for him, but he was very smart in joining the cast before people forget his name. I didn’t even know who he was. Sorry to all my pinot grigio drinking ladies in Nebraska, but I didn’t. 19

Alexandra Raisman may have won gold at the Olympics, but coming into this competition right after Shawn “take no prisoners” Johnson is a big shadow for another gymnast to try to step out of. It was a solid performance but she better raise the bar quickly. 21

*PROMO BREAK* Splash! looks like a trainwreck! Louis Anderson giving me Humpty Dumpty realness in a bellyflop…I…can’t!

Dorothy Hamill is contractually obligated to never let her hair grow beyond her shoulders. The judges praised her contemporary routine, but to me it looked like she hadn’t stretched since she won the gold in 1976. 21

Wynonna Judd (sigh)…I’m going to start off on a positive note. Her face is beautiful. The story of her caring for her husband after his accident was heart wrenching. She had the most fun of all contestants. Now, I’m going to keep it real. I can’t ignore that the lead singer, which the camera man opened on before her dance, was wearing a headband reminiscent to the child like empress in Neverending Story. The costume department knows Miss Judd is a BBW, so don’t put her in clothes so tight we can read the Spanx tag like braille. Those strappy heels looked like when the Pillsbury can is about to go pop! If I were Wynonna, I’d smack a b&*ch! 18

Andy Dick is using this show as a platform for redemption. He expressed his apologies for all those he hurt and declared his sobriety on television. He was visibly nervous and the judges were a little too harsh, in my opinion. I want to give him a perfect 10 for the shade he threw at Brooke Burke when she talked about his addiction in the post interview. His “you went there, didn’t you!” was the phrase of the night. Sashay away, Brooke! 17

Fresh off his Superbowl win was Jacoby Jones debuting with a cha cha. He had the least amount of time to rehearse due to his recovery from knee surgery. He is going to be one to watch. You could see his charisma and musicality coming to life. 20

Tonight is a recap show with more footage from rehearsals. Next Monday all the stars gets a chance to dance again and vie for your votes before the first elimination of the season. Do you have a favorite, yet?