Television
Apr 9, 2012

DWTS: ROCK WEEK

When I heard it was “Rock Week” on Dancing With The Stars, I filled my flask with enough tequila that “Viva la Revolution” was heard from Tijuana because the stock just rose. I can always count on one of rock’s great ballads to get butchered and stomped on to a damn jive or some dance that wouldn’t make sense to coincide with the song. So, if you’re asking yourself, “Is Demi a little intoxicated while she is writing this?” The answer is, “If it ain’t broke….”

First up Sherri (I immediately took a shot). A tango to “Quiet Riot”? Who in the hell is in charge on this show? I sincerely hope the cow that gave it’s hide to make that leather bustier comes back reincarnated as the next Pope so its life was not in vain! Her dance was technically solid but lacked pizazz. The judges scored her a 21, which must have internally fumed her because the night had a sequence of events that lead to the leaders of the pack making mistakes throughout their routines. A “Nomi” always seems to emerge every season. Yes, “Showgirls” isn’t just a movie, it’s a way of life!

Katherine: This girl is so good that her critiques have become just that, critical. She has emerged as a fan favorite. She looks and dances like a professional. She is the real deal! I believe the judges underscored her Paso Doble with a 24. I still predict her making it to the top 3, at least.

I’m not sure if Jaleel got into his own head during his dance because it seemed like he was more determined to nail his steps over having fun with the moves. He was scored WAY too low with a 22 for his tango! Excuse me, did they paint his fingernails black? The only brother that gets a pass on that is Lenny Kravitz! Which reminds me, I hope everyone had a Happy Easter. Shabbot Shalom!

The underdog is beginning to show it’s teeth! Melissa’s Paso Doble started off amazingly! I was really enjoying it until the shadow of a Tasmanian Devil was lurking amongst the curtains. Her professional partner Maks slipped! SABOTAGE! (Gilbert reportedly took a trip to the hospital following the taping).

A rumbling in the loins of my nether region, that is normally reserved for William Levy, was awoken when Donald began to dance a very exuberant Paso Doble! He exhibited such strength and passion and he tossed his partner Peta around. Then, he took off his shirt and suddenly hot chocolate in April seemed like a great idea. All I need is a bag to place over that mug, and I’ll give him a night to remember! Bruno felt the same way! He received the highest score of the night, a 27.

***TV TIMEOUT: LITTLE RICHARD SIGHTING!*** Clearly his glamour is blinding even for him because he kept his shades on the entire night. Or he could have possibly been asleep because I too was swatting z’s away early on in the broadcast.

Who the HELL gave Ms. Knight “Bohemian Rhapsody” to dance the tango to? Have you ever seen anyone dance any type of dance to that song?! The shade was drawn tonight! She still looked beautiful and never lets her age become a factor, or crutch, when it comes to her routines. The judges gave her the lowest score of 20, but she has a huge fan base, so I don’t this will be the last dance for Ms. Knight.

William: A jive that started so perfect but once he made a mistake, he lost his footing. He never got it back on track. I blame all those layers of clothes he had on. It makes us pay attention to the details of his dance. If you have the body of an Adonis, show it off! If you make a mistake, no one will notice because your rock hard nipples will have put us in a trance like the bullseye Target (so many great deals)! Then you can shake it, but don’t break it, ‘cuz it took your mama 9 months to make it!

Roshon: Yes, this kid is super cute, but when he talks a bit too much, he gets super annoying. I’m sorry. I’ll slow down on the tequila (no I won’t). He produced a good Viennese Waltz to score him a 26.

My personal opinion is that Maria produced the best dance of the night. She gave a sultry tango. Now that she’s retired that horrendous laugh, she’s become quite likable. See, I can give a compliment! 26 for her tango.

Gavin closed out the show which didn’t make any sense to me. Usually, the last performer of any competition is one of the best. I think they just wanted to give him as much time as they could since he probably will be in the bottom again. Let’s just face the facts, there’s something creepy behind those alien eyes. I hear “Mars Attacks!” is being made into a musical. Let me call my friend Emma to send him that email she showed me. Gavin better cut her 15% when he books the role! Clearly, he could feel the boot firmly pressed against his ass because his tango was the best dance he has had all season garnering him with a score of 23.

Next week is Latin week, so we all know Los Angeles alone will call in enough votes to keep William safe, but I don’t think Gavin¬†“Miracle Whip” DeGraw will have the same fate. ¬†Tune in tonight to see who gets the ax!