Television
Mar 27, 2012

ONE WEEK WONDER?

It’s week one, part deaux of this installment of primetime’s ballroom blitz, and let’s just say…I felt like I was watching a completely different show.¬† Last week, the new contenders came out swinging and made me feel like my scathing tongue was about to form a shiny, new pink coat due to the bubble gum goodness of everyone’s footwork.¬†This week, burst my bubble!

Obviously one of my readers works in the production crew because most celebs looked like they were stepping in holes and on uneven boards with all the missteps of the evening. Not to mention the show was a total SNOOZEFEST!!! What happened within a week for this wagon to become unhitched? There were some highs to go with the lows. It wasn’t all bad, but then again it was barely good!

Roshon opened the show with a polished quickstep which had me fooled that this episode was going to be up to par with it’s predecessor last week. There goes that first divot! Tiny missteps but still very good and garnered the kid a 26.

Second trick pony to perform was Sherri. Whoever is editing the opening package for the stars will have a comfortable passenger seat while I drive us to Hell because the editing looked like it was made for my enjoyment! I really hope the professional dancers have PPO insurance because watching Sherri’s partner struggle to lift her in practice separated a disc in my back, and I was minding my own business on my couch! But once the actual dance began, I realized the Hot Mess Train had finally left the station! Her jive to “Proud Mary” made Tina Turner’s natural Nutbush, Tennessee accent say, “Aw, hell to the naw!” She lost steps, timing, and rhythm. When it came time for the lift as shown in the practice montage, fear overtook her partner’s eyes as he realized his plan was demoted to an HMO, and the lift was a no go! Still, the judges raved about her and scored her way too high. Barbara Walters must be the HBIC over at ABC and her threats are taken as promises! She’s taking a little time to enjoy “The View” without having to roll her eyes to dumb comments from the left! Sherri will dance another day, mark my words.

Melissa and Jack were boring and both got exhausted halfway through their routine. Let’s not waste more time on them.

Gladys Knight is a beautiful living legend. She can do no wrong, and I thought she did well. The judges scored her a 19, with Len giving her a 5!!! A 5!!!! Seriously? But Sherri got a 23….Damn you, Babs!

Katherine is the silent threat! The girl is stunning and dances like she’s been rehearsing for a year. She was so smoking hot on the dance floor, her accessories were flying off her…literally! She’s the one to watch!

Jaleel left so much to be desired. He danced a precise jive, but it was lackluster. You can’t wow people one week and then give a pedestrian performance the next when your talent has already been exposed. The judges underscored him at 22. Again, still in shock about that 23 given to Sherri.

Maria was solid and improved. I found myself falling asleep at this point. Please give me something to work with tonight, people!

Someone above was listening because Martina was up next. My good friend in editing didn’t fail me on this one, because it looked like Martina showed up for the interview. Seeing the before and after of Martina in hair and makeup answered my question to whether my favorite tranny at the MAC counter was on vacation. Clearly she was hired to be a magician on DWTS! Although the spackle and Jessica Simpson hair piece’s had been applied, Martin decided to show up and dance. Martina’s moves were as stiff as her morning wood! She received the lowest score of the night. I have a feeling she’ll be back to Crocs and Home Depot shopping by Saturday.

Donald did very well in the quickstep and made me reminiscent of the days of Emmit Smith.

Gavin was flatfooted but I do hope he stays only for his snarky comments and uncomfortable “sex eyes” he throws at Karina.

William was the closer because ABC wanted to make sure the horny housewives stayed glued to the entire show to keep the ratings high. Wardrobe put William in a huge tuxedo, so I was forced to actually watch his dancing. He can dance! Who knew?

I love how his baby’s mama was in the front row with their son basically to let America know, “Back up, b&S%hes! I can only take a ride on that disco stick!”

Tonight is the first elimination. I see Gavin and Martina in the bottom two, with Martina making an exit out that spnadex and into some dockers.