I really wanted to title this blog, ‘Bitches Be Crazy’, but I thought that might be too harsh, especially coming from another female. So, I went with ‘Let the Games Begin’ and by games I mean all sorts of crazy tricks and gimmicks that women pull! Including but not limited to: blindfolded candy tasting, line dancing, Grandma’s on crutches, and Bacon-themed ‘taste me’ nickname invitations…and this is just Episode 1. Lord help Bachelor Ben.
I should probably start by admitting that I haven’t seen every season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette or it’s sluttier cousin Bachelor Pad. In fact, I didn’t see last season when Ben Flajnik, the wine maker from Sonoma, California, managed to win the hearts of at least 25 woman (his current contestants and probably thousands of hopeless romantic souls and stay at home Moms across America’s living rooms) yet failed to seal the deal with one, Ashley Hebert, who literally left him at the altar….or island.
That said, I was a fan of The Bachelor brand from the beginning. I mean, who didn’t root for Ryan to win the heart of the first Bachelorette, Trista Rehn, or for likable Bob Guiney to find true love. Hell, I was rooting for Ali and Roberto too but that ship has sailed! Lesbehonest…most of these things don’t end up ‘happily ever after’ and the girl-on-girl romance that already sparked between this season’s contestants (Monica and Blakely) makes their quest for Ben’s love seem a bit questionable.
I’m not sure what could be more intimidating for a man, meeting twenty-five beautiful woman who all want to sleep with him, or realizing just how far these woman will go to be the last one standing. So I thought since we are entering awards season here in LA…why not give out a few trophies:
Most Likely To Succeed: Lindzi C. who literally rode in on a white horse…well black and white horse. (Not to be confused with the other Lyndsie from London who did not take home a rose but did entertain me with her opening video that included a wacky homage to all the places she’s lived…too bad!) Back to the first Lindzi, a pretty blonde, who grew up riding professionally and won the’ first impression rose’. Ben exclaimed, ‘Save the best for last’ upon seeing her and assured her she did not receive the rose because ‘she rode in on a horse’ but for their great conversations. Now there’s a relief! Because truly, I might have been confused. The chick even scored a small kiss, though not the first of the evening, as another eager beaver snagged one in her introduction. Trying to remember which lady but these man eaters are already starting to blend!
Best Smile: Nicki the dental hygienist from Texas has an early nod of approval from me. She seemed, and I stress seemed because this shindig is only one episode in, but she seemed to be one of the most natural and bubbly of the girls in the house. Not to mention she scored a shout out tweet from Ben’s former lady love Ashley Hebert during the show (though I’m not sure that matters to Ben, friendly exes, no such thing!). On the flip side, Monica (a dental consultant…how is that different from a hygienist?) was a girl sure ready to sink her teeth into someone….namely Jenna. After stating that she didn’t really know if she was interested in Ben but was just there to ‘experience’ the house (a.k.a aforementioned lady crush on Blakely- a VIP cocktail waitress, whatever that means) she sent Jenna off in tears.
Which brings me to…
Most Likely to Spontaneously Combust: Jenna, a …wait for it…relationship advice blogger who lives in NYC. A self-proclaimed over analyzer, she misquoted Bachelor Ben in her introduction then spent the first half of the night berating herself for ‘screwing up’. After her confrontation (more like a two second interchange) with Monica, she spent the second half of the night crying about how she was being treated badly…and by crying I mean wailing from the bathroom about being ‘the girl who came to the show for the right reasons and got hurt’. Are you seeing where I was going with my first title choice? All I have to say is anyone who currently subscribes to her blog, please seek professional help immediately.
Most Likely to Be A B$%CH: Courtney, a model from Santa Monica, CA. Cut me some slack, I am not stereotyping simply because she is a gorgeous model from LA. Her, ‘I feel like I don’t have to worry about these other girls here. They’re kind of annoying. I’m better than them. I think I’ll be patient and let them shoot themselves in the foot’ comments might have tipped me off. Still oddly, I kind of liked her. She actually seemed normal and nice to me, and maybe that’s just because so many of the other girls had tricks up there sleeves, but the honesty was a bit refreshing. However, the previews eluded to some heavy confrontations, jealousy, and skinny dipping…pretty model gets naked…yep, we probably hate her.
MOST LIKELY TO SNEAK UP ON YOU: I wanted to mention three ladies here that I think could be dark horses in this competition. Rachel- a fashion sales rep from Massachusetts who had some chemistry on screen in her first meeting and made for a stunning lady in red, Kacie B.- an administrative assistant from Tennesee who promised not to sugar-coat her feelings throughout the process, and Emily- a PHD Student from North Carolina who first annoyed me when she oddly sanitized Ben before planting a kiss on him during her intro (just remembered it was her!) but then adorably won him and me over with a rap song later in the evening.
TOO EARLY TO GET A READ: In this category I throw: Brittney- who brought her Grandma (on crutches) but only Grannie won me over so far, Casey S.-who the only thing I remember is her half see-through yet elegant black dress, Elyse- the personal trainer who made me feel bad for not going to the gym today, Erika- whose cut out sequin purple dress is again all I know of her, Jaclyn- can’t even remember her dress, Jamie- a nurse from NY who seemed nice enough, Jennifer- whose red hair I liked (yep, that’s all I got), Samantha- Miss Pacific Palisades who claims to be more than just a pageant girl, and Shawn- who’s soccer skills I kind of digged.
Did I miss anyone? How does Ben keep all these girls straight?
I should mention the night ended with a video preview that included lots of sucking face, woman crying, exotic locales, and a cliffhanger about a finalist in a black ruffled dress who just might leave Ben standing at the altar for the second time.
Tune in Monday nights on ABC if you want to feel better about your dating experiences.